From Apathy

From the shadows where I’ve been

In the heart of apathy

Behind the blindfold of fatigue

I stand asking,

But I cannot hear:

What is it that I need?

To my knees I fall

But even tears do not come to these –

Dull eyes.

I am sunken in the devil's ship

Away from all excitement;

Far from gratitude.

And the stars who ebb behind the clouds

And the fish beneath the sea,

Hum quietly in their muffled way

Calling out to me.

But these ears are blocked with pain and knowing,

This heart flooded with the salt.

And there in all lies sorrow

Like some senseless, heavy quilt.

Standing now

Just long enough

Going further, one step more.

Something falls to silence now,

And empties all there was before.

The quiet folds away old thoughts

And stillness enters now this place,

In and out

– Surrender now

To never-ending space.

Only breath is to be felt within

And to outwards be let go,

This is what it is

To surrender to the stillness –

To be. But not to know.

And from that place of nothingness,

Where nothing now is held

A light erupts from in the soul

So universal love is felt.

Joy and peace descend upon

This body that was far

And human thoughts do die within

To open who we truly are.

Passenger

Truth first came gently on a cold school night 

And said, “all that’s living will die. To know yourself, first know I.”

For a bit I thought of death and cried

And then stopped quickly. Abruptly.  And said,

“Go away, I’m fine”

And shut my heart so truth couldn’t come back 

And put stories of myself in an old backpack

And walked out in the stars to that place trains would chug 

And pushed down pain

With a confident stare, 

A shrug 

And clambered on the carriage

And raced out fast into the night 

And celebrated in vain: I was a passenger to life

Years passed; the bag stayed close and grew,

Outside was passing in a whirr while we laughed and drank spirits 

Where we didn’t know our own

And bonds with money and people

began to feel like home

Life grew louder as we filled it right up

And only left space for the things 

that we called grown up

And we were nice mostly, because it seemed like the 

right thing to do

But when vulnerability came close

We would laugh, “Fuck you”

God came back in a moment of quiet and asked,

 “are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

I said. And no tears came.

And denial carried on.

I kept telling myself then, 

“You belong, you belong”

And people I thought were permanent left. 

And when my health was bad, I shouted – “theft”. 

My heart broke too, but I stayed somehow windswept 

And filled a void with new glitter 

Though I cried to one I loved, who lied,

And heard an echo with no reply

And in the quiet, god said

 “you won’t find forever on this ride”

And I said, 

“Go away, I’m fine”

Life moved. I kept my eyes off truth 

And the ground became noisier

The carriage became busier 

And my thoughts became louder, 

and someone died

Sitting right beside me. Mid sentence.

Right at the comma,

where you were supposed to take a breath

And people near me 

Who I called dear to me 

All seemed to subside 

Just a bag of bullshit stories at my side...

And god said, 

“Do you want to know me yet?”

I said, “I’m fine”

but I began to lose my mind. 

I held; tried to cling

To every fading worldly thing 

Like confetti – 

You can’t build a home on confetti. 

And finally, at the final straw 

I had everything I could have wanted in the world –

But loss kept coming,

and the train tracks kept drumming,

I cried, “Get me off this goddamn ride”

And god came back and stopped the train

I clambered out then in the pouring rain, 

And truth spoke,

“Leave the bag behind. 

All you are is not your mind 

Come with nothing and follow me

And we walked

And at that slow, slow pace.

I could suddenly see

The cosmos I had never touched

and the star grass I had never brushed 

I saw the moon again and it saw me

And I knew none of them would stay 

Neither would night when came the day

But I was here

And death seemed close and far 

And it was beautiful and intimate:

That we were nothing but an inch apart 

Truth held me in a big, big wave

As I opened then my hollow cave 

And let god pour right through my ribs

Between my lungs, right to my hips and

My feet felt the ground that seemed now strong 

And god said, “you know me”

I said, “I do”

“I am nothing but a piece of you”

Poem from, "From Dust" (book launching soon) Artwork by local Zimbabwean Artist, Phineas Chisango